Please rise for the reading of God’s Word.
Continuing in the book of Proverbs this morning, looking at the wisdom of Proverbs, particularly regarding marriage. So we’re looking at Proverbs starting in verse 3. But as we look to the reading of God’s Word, if you would please join with me in prayer.
Our God, we do ask that you guide us by your word and your spirit. That in your light we may see your light of truth, and there that we would find the freedom that only your gospel can bring. And in your will, we would discover your peace, Father, that we would continue to be shaped and molded into the image of our Savior Jesus. For it is in his name that we do pray. Amen.
Amen. Printed in your bulletin would be a medley from Proverbs Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths. By wisdom a house is built, by understanding it is established, by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts. But the tongue of the wise brings healing. With patience a ruler may be persuaded; a soft tongue will break a bone. The word of the Lord. Thanks be to God.
The great English preacher Charles Spurgeon and his wife Susanna, or Susie, married in 1856.
At first, she was not really impressed with him that much, but he grew on her. One biographer notes, in their blossoming relationship, she had found a man who would lead and guide her in the Lord. He found a woman in whom he could honestly confide, discuss deep spiritual truths with, share his burdens, receive comfort, and shepherd in the truth and the light of God’s word. And like all marriages, they grew through their challenges, which they had, and many of those hard edges were filed down over time. They were being sanctified in the Lord.
Charles suffered from bouts of ill health and depression, and Susie struggled with a condition that made her an invalid in her mid-30s, likely some form of— and why am I saying this wrong? Gotta look at it. Endometriosis. There we go.
Uh, they’re not really sure what took place, but she had an operation that didn’t work, and she often was confined to the home. And she lived for quite some time after all of this. It was quite a struggle.
And you would think that in, in this type of environment, devastating as it was, with suffering and ailment, that there would be lots of room for hostility, disagreements. But it was a house of mutual encouragement and joy for one another.
He would later write of her, “My wife’s presence is also a main ingredient in my cup which runs over with mercies.” And she in turn loved him deeply and she sought to build him up, not only in his work, but also in his own personal walk with the Lord. She was truly a helpmeet for him, and she determined to live out her life in steadfastness to her husband.
Think about that. What was it then in their marriage that brought these two flawed people together for 36 years of joy in the midst of happiness and a lot of suffering? Well, there was a profound commitment to one another centered on a shared faith. And that faith which they share was a faith which they lived out together in the pursuit of holiness, the pursuit of wisdom. And the Lord desires us to have characters that reflect his image, and we are to grow in wisdom in all of our relationships as a part of what he has called us to.
Now we live in an age where we want a lot of how-to information on every topic, and marriage is certainly one of those. For such an important issue, the Bible surprisingly gives us very little information on how to do marriage. We are instead shown a path of wisdom and told to walk in it. I’m sure many of you have heard this said before. Others have noted that the pursuit of holiness in marriage is the goal and happiness the byproduct.
The reverse of this, if you make the pursuit of happiness the goal, you will have neither happiness nor holiness. So what does wisdom in this God-ordained institution look like? Well, first we start with the who, the who you are, because character is absolutely king. Your character is the vehicle to bring glory to God. And that’s why Proverbs is so concerned with this from the very start.
The book of Proverbs opens up in chapter 1, the Proverbs of Solomon, the son of David, King of Israel, to know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, to receive instruction in wise dealing, in righteousness, justice and equity, to give prudence to the simple and knowledge and discretion to the youth. That’s the purpose that Proverbs states to start with, to give us a godly way of life, a wisdom in him. There’s an expression, it kind of has a Zen ring to it, but it is, you are what you’re becoming.
Who you are is marked by the things you do and the attitudes you possess. So you are what you are becoming. And Proverbs tells us, Proverbs 19:13, a foolish son is a ruin to his father. A wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain. Pursue foolishness, pursue contentiousness, and in the end, that’s what you become.
You become those very things that you do, the very things you, that you pursue. And that is why Proverbs is telling us constantly, pursue wisdom. That is what you want to be. And remember, Proverbs is written for all peoples— male, female, young, and old. Hebrew, like English, uses a masculine singular, he, as a universal.
And so there’s a portion of Proverbs that’s set out to be a father’s advice, instruction to his son. We know, of course, that that applies equally to daughters. He’s not telling sons to be wise and daughters not to. He’s telling children to be wise. We also see Lady Wisdom calling in the streets to all those who would listen.
So when we read here about a contentious and quarreling wife being like a drip, it’s also true of a contentious and quarreling husband. In the same way that we read about an angry man stirs up strife, so true an angry woman stirs up strife. Wisdom is building character, and these proverbs are to be applied to everyone, Nobody gets off the hook and no one’s excluded. In the pursuit of wisdom, everyone is welcome. Conversely, if you are a fool, it too will take all claimants regardless of gender, of age, ethnicity.
Foolishness is a true democracy. You don’t want to be a part of it. Wisdom, on the other hand, also calls out, and that is what God calls us to do, that we are to welcome the instruction of the wise. And from the outset, Proverbs tells us something about the type of person that we are to be and the type of person that we are to marry. Does Proverbs tell me that I should only marry another believer?
Not expressly, but it’s assumed. Proverbs are written to God’s covenant people, and it already comes packaged with that assumption. If you need that more directly, Paul covers it pretty well in 2 Corinthians 6. Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, for what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Now Paul is speaking of more than just marriage, but marriage is certainly included.
Proverbs tells us then that we are to be a part of that community of faith in Christ, that kind of Christian person we should be, and that type of person that we should marry.
We read in Proverbs 18:22, he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. And then Proverbs 19:14, house and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Notice that we get these gifts from the Lord. We pursue the Lord.
The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of the Lord. It’s found in him. And so very at the very beginning, our compass is set towards the Lord. That is the one who leads and guides us on the path of wisdom. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Proverbs 3:5.
Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths, Proverbs 9:10. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Our who is on that who. We follow the Lord.
And when you were talking with the Lord, we’re talking about submitting our life to him. And it’s in this lifelong submission is where you gain insight. You will see people better. You’ll be better able to avoid being foolish. And that’s one of the things we grow in over time.
Only if it’s cultivated. Age is no guarantee of wisdom. There are many people who are old fools. Even as you can be a very young, wise person, because it is the nature of the who that you’re listening to, who you’re following. And we are to be in that place where we are hearing from the Lord.
And this means that you let people who love and care about you speak into your life as a part of that community of belief. Proverbs 15:22, without counsel, plans fail. But with many advisors, they succeed. Now I know many of you heard this when flying, this type of announcement that tells you not to tamper or disable the smoke detector in the lavatory. Why would anyone do that?
Because they want to smoke in the bathroom. That’s why you would disconnect it. And if there’s one area that we are more prone to disable the smoke detector in our lives than any other, it is in romantic relationships. We can want something so badly that we’re willing to not tell people who love, know, and care for us, or we only ask the people who we know will agree with us. It almost never ends well.
Marriage is not the place that you want to roll the dice and hope it works out. It takes a reasonable amount of time to get to know someone. When I pastored in St. Louis, a young couple came to me. She was a part of our fellowship, and they wanted to get married. They just met.
I was trying really hard to slow them down so that they might actually get to know one another’s middle names.
They flew to Arizona and had a pastor he knew marry them. So from total stranger to married, about 3 weeks.
This might surprise you. It didn’t go really well for them.
But they weren’t gonna listen to anybody. They wanted this so badly that they were just gonna do what they wanted to do and disconnect the smoke alarm.
And that’s the cost of foolishness. It’s very high.
Proverbs 12:4, “An excellent wife is a crown for her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” Proverbs 19:13, a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain. Proverbs 21:9, it’s better to live in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. Now again, you can substitute husband for wife, it’s the same thing. Being with a quarrelsome person is like this. A godly character is precious beyond any wealth that you can obtain.
Proverbs 31:30, Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Again, one of the strange things we do, we look at Proverbs 31 as the ideal wife. Uh, swif— flip it around. Those are also the characteristics of an ideal husband for the most part. That’s the nature of wisdom.
You are to reflect this in your life as a man, as a woman, as a child, as an adult. This is what it means to walk in wisdom.
Well, how would I know if my potential spouse has these types of characteristics? You spend the quality time to get to know them. If after a very short period of time you come and say, “This is not the man or the woman I married,” then likely you didn’t know it very well to begin with because that’s who you married.
The kinds of character traits that we’re looking for is the things that we are to observe with one another. These are the type of things that we are to be. Again, this goes beyond just marriage. It goes into all of our relationships. So who are you looking for?
Well, is he or is she quick to repent and to reconcile when they’ve done something wrong? Is there a real and visible devotion to Christ? Is there a Christian conscience that will not rest until they have done the right thing?
You can’t fake these over time. You will see these if you have the eyes of wisdom.
And with that, never, never marry a potential Christian, a potentially kind or a potentially thoughtful person. Do not enter into marriage as a fixer-upper. If the structure is not sound, run, do not walk. And I’m not talking about perfection, about having it all together to begin with. It’s not about perfection, but about a desire to pursue Christ and to grow in him.
If that is absent, you have no business walking with that person.
Wise words from Pastor Rayburn: there are many problems in life, the only solution to which is not to get into them in the first place.
Hear that again. There are many problems in life, the only solution to which is not to get into them in the first place. Repentance can mend many things, but an ill-made marriage is not one of them. Choose wisely at the outset and the rest becomes so much easier. This year.
And that’s what we are called to do.
The who, the who we are, the who the people in our relationships are. Who do they reflect? Who do they look like? And that wisdom, that picture that God sets before us is seen so clearly. And that moves us then into the what.
Christian character that’s lived out. The who is the center of our heart, and out from that flows the what, the very things that we do, the things that we act. Again, Proverbs doesn’t give us a specific marriage advice because what it covers applies to all of life, not just marriage. This is also true of gender. Many people today seem to be consumed with what it means to be a Christian man or a Christian woman.
Lots of books written about this. You do not see this specific topic spoken about that much in the Bible. Why? Because what it speaks about is being a follower of Jesus.
Old or young, male or female, you are to have a Christlike character. The fruit of the Spirit is universal in this way. There isn’t a male version of patience, an older version of gentleness, a younger version of kindness. No, that is the fruit of the Spirit that all of God’s people are to possess.
That’s just the goal for everyone.
You think about how that applies to something like communication.
Communication is a skill of the heart far more than it is a skill of the mind. It is a skill of the heart. What does that mean? I often hear, particularly couples, people say things like, “Well, we need to learn to communicate better.” Reality is they communicate very well. They both know when the other person is not happy with them.
They both know how to communicate their displeasure and their hurt. Communication is not an issue. Jesus was very clear that from the mouth Speaks from the overflow of the heart. The heart is the issue. How does a good heart speak?
How does a godly character inform our heart? Patience and kindness come from that type of informed heart. Proverbs 25:15: With patience a ruler may be persuaded; a soft tongue will break a bone. Proverbs 12:18: There’s one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Healing.
Wisdom builds up. It brings healing in its words. But when we feel hurt or wounded, our tongues often become thrusts of a sword meant to exact revenge or punishment. We are called, of course, to do more than just avoid being harsh and unkind. Like the Ten Commandments is, don’t do this, but it also means do these other things.
Positively. We are called to praise and encourage. Proverbs 12:25, anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers up. Proverbs 16:24, gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul, health to the body.
That, that’s from the heart that has been transformed by grace, and that is the overflow of that we want to have to speak from.
Charles Spurgeon, in a letter to his Susie— they wrote letters, he was often traveling, such, and he wrote letters back and forth— he said, my own dear one, none know how grateful I am to God for you. In all I have ever done for him, you have a large share, for making me so happy, you have fitted me for service. I have served the Lord far more and never less for your sweet companionship. The Lord God Almighty bless you now and forever.
That’d be a nice thing to hear. And Susie, she wrote this. This is after Charles died. She lived a bit longer from him, and she was writing this in reflection of her husband. But I truly believe that when I Join him, meaning when she dies, beyond the smiling and the weeping, there will be tender remembrance of all the details of earthly love and of the plenitude of blessing which is garnered in our united lives.
That’s a way to look back on a life spent together, thinking that and wondering how the beauty and the joy of heaven is going to be sweetened by the love and the relationships that started here that get to move into that.
There is a common pursuit of the Lord that drove them in their companionship. Each benefited from the others in their own growth and grace.
Proverbs 24:3-4. By wisdom a house is built, by understanding it is established. By knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. See, see that pursuit? It’s wisdom that’s building this type of a house.
It’s establishing this type of understanding that brings forth the precious riches of God’s grace and mercy. And you think about it though, what causes us to withhold these kinds of good words? Sometimes it’s ignorance. Sometimes it’s just a bad habit. We just get in habits of speaking that aren’t very edifying.
But other times we withhold because we think the other has not deserved our good words. I will give to you when you give to me. When you become that kind of husband or that kind of wife or that kind of person, then I I will write you letters like this.
You don’t see that as a proverb.
A proverb that says, speak well when they deserve it, otherwise it’s okay to tear them down. That’s not a biblical proverb. That’s not God’s wisdom, because wisdom reflects him.
And everything that we have received is a gift from him. And God’s gifts are meant to be given to others. They’re meant to be shared. I’m sure you’ve seen the sticker on, like, you buy some bulk items and it, it’ll say on all those, not for individual resale. That’s the Lord’s grace to us.
It’s not for individual resale. We don’t sell back to others what he has freely given to us. We freely share and give what we have received. Biblical wisdom tells us that we want a marriage, that we want relationships that are centered on grace and not a marriage that’s centered on a wage to be earned.
While we were yet sinners, what? Christ died for us. We did not have to get cleaned up in order for him to cleanse us because we never could. It’s impossible to be cleansed first before Jesus will touch us. To love another is to give sacrificially, to focus on them, not to demand that they understand your woundedness before you will love them, not to demand that they should be listening to this right now.
Isn’t that the nature of something like this? It’s sort of like that elbow next to the person, “Hey, listen up.” You need to hear this. I need to hear this.
This is for me. This is for you. This is the reminder that God gives to his people of what he wants us to look like.
1 John 4:19: We love him because he first loved us. That is the way of God’s wisdom. It’s the way of God’s wisdom in marriage. It’s the way of God’s wisdom in friendships and relationships, in how we deal with one another. We love him because he first loved us.
G.K. Chesterton, many pithy sayings from him. He had a wonderful marriage with his wife Francine. And he said this of marriage: I have known many happy marriages. But never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable.
For a man and a woman as such are incompatible.
You might use the word fitted. And the question then is, is, well, what makes us compatible? What makes us fitted? It’s the who. The who is Jesus.
It’s Jesus who makes us fitted for one another. Where we are incompatible, it’s because of our sin, our selfishness. And Jesus makes us fitted.
That is such good news because we’re foolish people.
We walk in paths of destruction and death, and, and God comes in the midst of that and intervenes through his Son, calls us to life in himself, transforms and changes our heart by grace in something that we could never do, an alien righteousness.
And, and we see the fruit of that, the fruit of that then carried out with how we live and love and, and care for one another. That we do expect fruit. That it comes in the fruit of the Spirit. It comes in these ways of wisdom then that we are able to bless husbands and wives with, children, parents, nieces, nephews, coworkers, students, the random stranger who comes into our path. This is a part of that.
The who, the who is Jesus, and we are united to him. And from that union with Christ flows out of us the love and the mercy and the acceptance that he has brought to us, that he has died for. Our sins are atoned for.
And then as we fail at times to do this with one another, we go first and foremost to God, who we’ve sinned against. And in repentance, we ask him to restore that relationship vertically, restore that relationship horizontally.
And that is the wonder of living in the kingdom of God. This is the access that you have as a follower of Jesus.
This is, again, what should mark our relationships with one another.
And you think about this. When we look like this, that is such a beautiful draw of the gospel to people who are flailing in broken relationships, stuck in trying to find happiness apart from the holiness of God. Perfection? By no means.
On a path of wisdom that God has set for us, certainly, because of the love that he has for his people, that we get to walk in this, we get to reflect this, we get to bring about the choice fruits and the honeycomb and sweetness of goodness to give to one another.
I hope that is the goal of your relationships, married or otherwise. And the good news too is with Jesus, this doesn’t have to be a, yeah, but I wish I would have done that a long time ago. True, if you haven’t. It’s a, yeah, but I can start right now. Today is the day.
Today is the day. I can start now because the mercies The mercies of the Lord are new every morning. It is still before noon. It’s morning. Let’s come to the mercies of Christ.
Pray with me.
Father, we do ask that you would embolden us to step towards you. Lord, all of us here have failed miserably in relationships, and yet here we are. And Lord God, we would ask that you would not only bring your restoration, but Father, that you would bring your life. Lord, help us to be that salve, that balm of tender mercy to those around us. Father, I think too of marriages.
Bless them. Encourage us as husbands and wives. And beyond that, Lord, I pray that in all of our relationships, that we would reflect you, that the who of Jesus would flow out of our hearts. Father, thank you for the living waters that we have received in him. We bless you, Father, Son, and Spirit, one God forever and ever.
Amen.
Discaimer: This sermon text was generated by an automated transcription service.